ARTICLE

Anxiety and Relationships

In my capacity as an outpatient psychologist, I run into anxiety in all forms, in all venues. For many, anxiety pops up as panic, or phobia or obsessiveness, compulsiveness, or worse. If there is a partner, guess who also bears the brunt of the anxiety?

Well, to back track a little, obviously the person suffering from anxiety bears the biggest burden. This person is suffering from a painful condition that may be situation-specific (fear of certain objects) or global; meaning pervasive. The partner has to adjust to such a state and may find her/himself in quite a bind when the anxious one "decompensates."

The biggest complaint I hear is that anxiety limits functionality. That means sometimes performing even the most basic of tasks is difficult. Going to the store may be impossible for the anxious, but it can be a real pain in the neck for the partner. The partner may have to do all the shopping, or wait until just the right moment when the anxious one can leave the house (late at night, when crowds are thin, etc.). If we have a fear of enclosed places, driving can be a problem. That means when we get into a car, anxiety, not us, takes over. We may have to pull over a few times to "catch our breaths." This does not work if we happen to be in a hurry. It may be even worse if we are surrounded by traffic and cannot "escape." If the anxiety is intense, we may find ourselves heading back home without shopping. If we are the partner of such a sufferer, what do we do and how do we cope?

It takes a unique blend of patience and understanding, coupled with acceptance of self to cope with a partner who is impaired. This applies to depression and other psychological states, and as well to physical disabilities. The first quality the partner needs to master is empathy. It is imperative that the partner knows the condition afflicting the sufferer. Nowadays, the usual way to find out about such matters is the Internet. Specifically, the partner should know everything there is to know about anxiety disorders. In whatever form, education is necessary because empathy will not last without a thorough understanding of what causes a disorder.

Patience evolves from understanding and empathy. It is a lot easier to cope when we "get" what our partner experiences. It is important to note that anxiety has a purpose, a dynamic purpose beyond just escaping pain. It serves to avoid feelings, associated thoughts and situations that are perceived to be unmanageable.

But, there are more experiences and skills the partner needs to cope in the long run. Having a support group, a good self esteem and some alone-time all help. Stress relieving techniques for the partner is a good idea. However, the focus of this article is on anxiety and relationships, not so much on the external coping methods of the partner.

Anxiety can spread in relationships. If the sufferer has intense anxiety, soon the partner will start thinking differently about the things that elicit the sufferer's symptoms. Usually, is it the sufferer that avoids certain anxiety-generating situations. But, just by exposure, the partner will also start doing the same, but with a different motivation. The sufferer
will act to avoid anxiety. The partner will act to avoid confrontation or frustration. The partner's version of frustration may be in the form of fatigue, ennui, boredom, lack of novelty and spontaneity, etc.

Unless recognized, this dynamic soon will generate a negative loop. This is my term for what one person does that makes the other act badly, which is the very thing that causes the first person to do more of the same, thus making the second person respond poorly, this time with more negativity. Thus, each person plays off one another negatively, escalating the frustration after each "go round" because each fails to get what each wants. This all potentially starts because the
sufferer has pain and tries to avoid suffering. Soon the partner may do the same unless these interventions are undertaken.

-Dr. Griggs

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